Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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