All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize