my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
