that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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