oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
