I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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