I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
