Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You pole danced in your parka.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
