I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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