respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize