I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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