I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
