you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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