You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
