yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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