I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
