Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
