we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
