Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
