mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
