The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
