Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
