He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize