I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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