I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
