She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
