foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
