her vagine was all disorganized.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
