So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
