she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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