I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
