i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
