I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize