what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
