dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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