i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize