So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
