My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
