I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
