Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
