His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This is the prime rib incident all over again
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize