The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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