I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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