I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
