remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
