I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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