The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
