The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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