apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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