thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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