I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
