Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
