I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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